Kevin's Random, Obsessive Commentary
presents...

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    Originally, I was working on a piece about time travel, when I noticed that I had run out of time.  Instead of just giving my usual excusses, I thought I'd show you somnthing that just came to me out of nowhere. (Literally. I heard three short energy pulses in my backyard; on the third, there was a small puff of smoke and a manila folder fell to the ground.) The folder said that this information was classified, but it was also dated a few hundred years in the future, so I'm sure we'll all have forgoten by the time it would be an issue.

The following documents have been recovered from wreckage of the time-ship the U.S.S. Kinder:
rediscovered [date]
The Society of Penguins

1. History:
    The first purple penguins will be created in the year 3983 in a lab on Pluto when scientists are experimenting with time manipulation in genetics. After much experimentation, penguins are found to be the most accepting of the genetic changes. The attempt to put a fourth dimensional twist in the genetic structure of several penguins was a success; the resulting purple penguins (penguanis violetus), unfortunately, had gained other traits which made them too dangerous to study. For starters, they were born a deep red just beyond the visible color spectrum and were only observable for a couple years before becoming a shade of purple just beyond the other end of the color spectrum. And so, like all good scientists who made a mistake would do, they dumped the unstable, fourth dimensional critters out of sight, on Pluto’s moon, Charon.

2. Components of their culture:
    Variations:
    The main result of the fourth dimensional twist in the penguins’ DNA caused most penguins to be born into anti-time, growing older as time moves backwards. These are commonly referred to as sniugnep.
    Similarly, when sniugnep give birth, their offspring usually grow up in standard time as penguins.
    Because of this back and forth movement through time, they are simultaneously in several stages of development. In order to avoid interfering with their own history, more advanced penguins (and reversly advanced sniugnep) move to a new area and develop a new “time-zone.”
Language:
    The language of the penguins is a combination of several Earth languages (primarily English and Japanese) which was taught to early penguins by later generations who had developed technology to monitor television broadcasts from Earth. The sniugnep developed this technology around 2003, Earth time and observed human society well into the 1980’s before they could translate our “backwards” language.
Values:
    The penguins have a very loose attitude about death – comparable to lemmings. This is because their manmade genetics make them prone to random, spontaneous combustion. Until combustion occurs, however, life, is very precious to them. Whenever a penguin or niugnep is born, a set of parents that live the opposite direction in time will be/have already been selected to raise the penguin/niugnep.
Norms:
    Spontaneous penguin combustion is a part of everyday life on Charon. About 3.14 seconds before a penguin vaporizes, his or her body will slip back through the color spectrum to a bright green.
    sniugneP, on the other hand, are often seen imploding into existence, a shade of bright green. Roughly three seconds later, they will have adjusted their color to purple and proceed to live their backward life.

3. Value System:
    Because purple penguins coexist in both time and anti-time, there is always potential for someone to make a mess of the space-time-continuum. They continually strive to maintain order in the continuum. Most of these values came from a trilogy of Earth documentaries entitled, erutuF eht ot kcaB

4. Social interaction:
    Penguins usually tend to socialize with other penguins rather than sniugnep, mainly because the grammar is different in reverse, which makes for an odd dialect to interpret. Penguins with the gift of dyslexia are often recruited as interpreters.
    It is also difficult for a niugnep, who will always have just arrived at the end of the conversation.

5. Agents of socialization:
    The first penguins on Charon developed their own system of squawks and flipper motions to communicate. This system quickly developed into more articulate sounds and gestures that were influenced by the language of scientists who were studying their ancestors. These penguins were using the Earthen language that was discovered in the year Negative 1982 (2001 Earth time).

6. Adolescents:
Characteristics:
    When adolescence begins, penguins and sniugnep alike gradually shift through the color spectrum from red to purple, forcing them to be in the visible color spectrum.
Problems:
    The color shift is a long and awkward process that takes two to three Earth years. It can be especially awkward as they pass through the green part of the spectrum because they can easily be mistaken for someone who is about to spontaneously combust.
Dating:
    Most penguins wait until they have completed the transition to purple to start dating because being in the visible color spectrum makes them incredibly self-conscious.

7. Deviance and Social Control:
Deviance:
    In time-zones with the technology, many adolescent penguins will dye their feathers a color close to purple to make themselves look older.
Crime:
    It is seriously frowned upon for a resident of Charon to intentionally change future events that others know as the past, especially by introducing new ideas to other time-zones. The most serious crime on Charon is disturbing the balance of the space-time-continuum.
Punishment :
    Depending on the severity of the rift in the space-time-continuum, such a disturbance can be punishable by forcing the penguin to semi-spontaneously combust. In more sever cases, a niugnep is recruited to prevent the penguins birth.

8. Social Stratification:
System :
    Those living toward the end of a time period – and living in that direction – tend to have a higher status in the community because they supposedly “have a better feel for the times.”
Mobility :
    For one to move up in the world, one only needs to wait for one’s superiors to spontaneously combust. Moving down is even easier as a superior niugnep may snap into existence at any time. This makes advancement especially difficult for those living in the opposite direction that the time zone is progressing.

9. Racial and Ethnic Relations:
Ethnicity :
    As in Earth’s history, the traditions and ideals of Charon changed over time. This evolution of culture produced various unique cultures in the different time zones. (i.e. Cave dwelling penguins in the Central Time Zone, cowboy penguins in the Western Time Zone, etc.)
Minority Groups :
    Every now and then a penguin or niugnep is born into a slower time frame, living at only a fraction of the speed of the rest of the world. This is known as Temporal Continuance Disorder (TCD).

10. Patterns of Group Relations:
Discrimination and Prejudice:
    Many time zones that have developed school systems are segregated to separate penguins from niugnep. They believe that knowledge of each others past could lead students to tamper with history.
Treatment :
    Although penguins with TCD are appropriately referred to as “slow witted,” they prefer the term “Chronologically Challenged.” Many of the more advanced time-zones, while trying to provide equal treatment, consider the chronologically challenged to be handicapped. Because of this, these penguins usually migrate toward the medieval time zones, where they are renowned for their long life span and extensive knowledge of the ages.



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